


No Matter How Brief

by constellationqueen



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew caring for Neil, Angst, Head Injury, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, because he's an idiot, why, why do i always write angst, why is it always Neil that gets hurt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-06-03 18:12:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6621049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constellationqueen/pseuds/constellationqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neil gets a head injury while playing that is worse than it initially appears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The sound of Neil’s head cracking against the floor of the court reverberates through Andrew’s bones. He didn’t see the backliner push Neil, but he turned in time to see Neil fall and collide with the ground, and Andrew’s out of the goal and running across the court before the timeout whistle has blown. Andrew vaguely sees Kevin shoving at the backliner that knocked Neil onto his back, but he’s too busy getting to Neil to take much notice.

“Neil,” Andrew whispers, taking his own helmet off and staring down at Neil, who is breathing shallowly and not responding. “ _Neil_ ,” Andrew stresses, digging his fingers under the padded collar to find Neil’s pulse. It’s there, and it’s strong. Neil just isn’t responding. Andrew can feel panic rising like bile in his throat, and he does his best to shove it down.

Sweat rolls down Andrew’s neck and back, made cold by the air around him, and he does his best to repress a shiver. “Neil, wake up,” he whispers, mindful of the rest of the Foxes gathering around him. He can hear Wymack shouting, so the door of the court must be open. Andrew doesn’t care. His fingers are still on Neil’s pulse, willing it to keep beating.

By the time the paramedics are on the court and nearing Andrew and Neil’s fallen body, it’s been over a minute since Andrew reached Neil. Andrew feels like he’s been here for an eternity already, his world narrowed down to the strong beat of Neil’s heart against his fingers.

Just as the medics set down the stretcher they brought with them, Neil drags in a rattling breath and coughs hard, once, twice, and his next inhale sounds clearer. “Andrew?”

Relief washes through Andrew like a cold shower, and he leans over Neil so that Neil can see Andrew through his helmet. “How are you feeling?”

Neil grunts and tries to sit up, but Andrew’s hand on his shoulder keeps him down. “I’m _fine_ ,” Neil says, and the annoyance in his voice is comforting to Andrew, even if only because it means that Neil has enough energy to be annoyed. “Just a couple black spots around the edge of my vision. I can keep playing.”

Andrew snarls and he catches the medics tensing on the other side of Neil, but he still doesn’t care about anyone except the man below him. “You’re going to the hospital. Don’t,” Andrew starts when Neil looks like he’s going to interrupt, “argue with me. You’re going.” Neil must have heard the unspoken _for me_ , because Neil relaxes and nods his head.

Andrew moves back just enough to let the medics get Neil’s helmet off and get Neil onto the stretcher. Andrew moves to follow, but Neil points at him and says, “No, you stay here. Don’t let them score another damn point.” And then Neil is gone and Andrew is left standing on the court, helmet in hand, staring after him.

 _Don’t let them score another damn point_.

 _Fuck you, Neil Josten,_ thinks Andrew as he shoves his helmet back on and returns to the goal. One of the freshman strikers comes on to replace Neil and the game restarts. Andrew shuts down the goal, because he’s worried about Neil, because he’s murderous towards that backliner, because he _can_ shut down the goal, and Neil wanted him to.

 _He demanded it,_ thinks Andrew, blocking yet another point. And yet Andrew is listening to him anyway, because –

He won’t let himself think that.

Wymack switches in subs when there’s only twenty minutes left of the game. Renee walks up to Andrew with a smile, and for a moment Andrew is confused and a little insulted.

“Neil’s back,” Renee says as she passes, and Andrew is off the court in a heartbeat.

Andrew finds Neil sitting on the bench, already changed back into his street clothes. Andrew sits tense beside him, jaw clenched, shoulders tight. He can’t ask. He doesn’t want to know how bad it is.

“Small concussion,” Neil says, leaning over against Andrew so that his shoulder is pressed to Andrew’s shoulder pads. “They said it’s nothing to worry about.”

Andrew turns to glare at Neil. He doesn’t trust himself to open his mouth. Or maybe he’s shutting down already, pulling into himself. Bee says he does that a lot, but Andrew never notices when he does.

“I’m serious,” Neil reassures, and his smile is at once grating and comforting. “I’ll be great by Sunday.”

Still not willing to open his mouth and say anything, Andrew silently turns away to watch the rest of the game. But some of the tension seeps out of his shoulders.

After the game – which they won – is finished, and after Andrew has changed out and showered, he grabs Neil and takes the bus keys from Wymack. They’re the first ones on the bus, and Andrew drags Neil all the way to the back, nudging Neil into the corner.

“Andrew,” Neil protests, even as he’s dropping down into the seat and letting out a soft sigh. His head tips back and his eyelids droop.

“No,” Andrew says, pushing on Neil’s shoulder.

“They said I could sleep.”

“I don’t give a damn.” Andrew glares to make sure Neil’s mouth stays closed. “You’re not sleeping until I say you can sleep. If you’re lucky, I’ll let you sleep when we get back to the dorms.”

“That’s not going to be until after three,” Neil is sitting up straighter, eyes wide with indignation. Andrew is unimpressed and stares back blankly, arms crossed over his chest. Why does Neil have to be so stubborn all the time? “Fine,” Neil says after a moment, sagging back into the seat.

Satisfied that he’s won the argument, Andrew reaches into his bag and pulls out a bottle of water and a protein bar. Neil takes them without complaint, chewing slowly on the bar and sipping at the water.

The rest of the team trickles slowly onto the bus, and after Andrew’s glare, they all stay up at the front end. Wymack even shuts off the lights in the rear of the bus.

Neil sighs beside Andrew, shifting over so that they’re pressed together, shoulder to thigh. “Thank you,” Neil says. Andrew accepts the gratitude with a soft kiss to Neil’s temple.

When they get back to the dorms, it’s well past three in the morning, and Andrew steers Neil into the bedroom, letting Kevin lock up behind them. Andrew somehow resists the urge to help Neil get changed into pajamas, and eventually they’re both laying down in Andrew’s bed.

“Am I allowed to sleep?” Neil asks, on his side and looking at Andrew.

Andrew rolls over, taking note of Neil’s bleary eyes and heavy lids, the relaxed droop of his shoulders. The door opens slowly as Kevin enters the bedroom, and Andrew’s eyes flicker to watch Kevin over Neil’s shoulders. Kevin doesn’t even glance their way before shutting off the lights and climbing into his own bed.

“You can sleep,” Andrew says, and they both settle down to do just that.


	2. Chapter 2

Saturday finds Neil groggy and irritable. Despite not sleeping until after three in the morning, Neil is up at nine and Andrew is right behind him. They shower together, but only because Andrew doesn’t want to leave Neil alone. At least, Neil’s pretty sure that’s the reason. Andrew tends to get territorial after Neil gets injured.

Around noon, Neil’s mood swings drastically for the worse. He starts throwing up walls and pulling in on himself. More than once he finds himself staring off into space. Yeah he’s tired, but he’s always tired.

Andrew follows when Neil retreats to the roof and sits on the edge, pack of cigarettes in hand. Andrew pulls out a lighter and Neil waits to speak until he’s inhaled the bitter smell of smoke.

“It’s just a bad day,” Neil says when Andrew doesn’t ask, tapping ash away from the cherry. He pulls up a knee and rests his chin on it, looking out across campus. It really is a bad day. They won yesterday, sure, but Neil wasn’t able to play for the vast majority of the last half. He’s bitter about it, which would explain his attitude this morning. It may also explain his low mood, though his depression has rarely dropped this far before.

“How are you?” Neil asks, because he doesn’t want to talk about the consuming fear of what could have happened had the injury been worse. He doesn’t want to talk about the heavy weight behind his eyes or his sudden need to just curl up on himself.

Andrew doesn’t answer for a while, dragging on his cigarette and blowing the smoke away from Neil. “Tired,” Andrew responds after a while, and when Neil looks over, he sees that Andrew is looking at him.

Neil nods, flicking the last of his cigarette over the side of the building. “Is napping an option? I could go for some more sleep.”

“Kevin is going to strangle you if you fuck up your sleep schedule,” Andrew says as he gets to his feet, brushing off his jeans before holding a hand out for Neil and helping him to this feet.

His first smile of the day graces Neil’s lips while he follows Andrew back inside.

They wake up from their nap in time for supper, and Neil immediately swallows some aspirin. Andrew arches a brow, and Neil shakes his head. “Headache,” Neil says, tapping a spot on his neck under the back of his skull. “Tension, I think.” Andrew carries his stress in his shoulders, Neil carries his in his neck.

Andrew’s phone buzzes and he fishes it out to look down at the screen. “Dan ordered pizza,” Andrew says and then turns from the room. Neil follows him into the girls’ room and curls up on the sofa with Andrew, chewing slowly on his pizza.

The freshman are laughing and talking loudly on the other side of the room. Matt and Dan are telling jokes and throwing potato chips at one another. Nicky and Allison are arguing about something, but it isn’t anything too serious. It’s a nice, fun night with his family, but Neil doesn’t want to be here. The noise is making his headache pound against the back of his skull to the point where he’s fighting not to wince.

Neil pokes Andrew’s arm and nods sideways towards the door. Andrew is on his feet immediately, and Neil slowly mirrors the motion, trying not to cringe at the pounding in his head.

“Neil, you okay?” Renee asks, her soft voice bringing a lull to most of the conversation in the room.

Andrew is trying to herd Neil out the door, but Neil stops long enough to smile at Renee and then the rest of the room. “Bad headache,” he says in lieu of an apology.

“Get some rest!” Nicky calls, and Neil just barely hears him before Andrew slams the door.

“Tension?” Andrew asks mockingly, and Neil doesn’t like the tight stress in his voice.

“It’s got to be,” Neil reassures, walking with Andrew into the bedroom. “Andrew, it’s fine. It’s just a headache. Not like I’m dying or anything.”

Andrew rounds on him. “Don’t joke about that. Don’t you even –”

Neil frowns, lifting his hands to cup Andrew’s face before leaning in to give him a soft kiss. “Andrew,” Neil says softly before sliding his arms around Andrew’s shoulders and pulling him close. Andrew’s grip is tight around Neil’s waist, and Neil feels grounded for the first time all day. “I’m okay,” Neil whispers, burying his face in the crook of Andrew’s neck and breathing in the smell of smoke and cologne and Andrew.

“You better be.” Andrew pulls away and Neil lets him go, watching as Andrew shuts the blinds tight over the window and then moves back to the doorway and flips off the light. Neil blinks in the darkness, trying to force his eyes to adjust, but of course they won’t – there’s no light for them to find until Andrew turns on his phone, using the brightness of the screen to make his way over to the bed.

Neil steps out of his jeans and tosses them aside, letting them land on the floor close to the hamper. It’s close enough for him, but he sees Andrew narrow his eyes at the mess. Neil cracks a small smile before moving into bed.

Andrew doesn’t change out of his jeans, but he climbs over Neil and lays down against the wall, lying on his side so that he can see Neil.

“You need to get some sleep tonight,” Neil says, and Andrew just grunts in response. When Andrew’s phone shuts off, the room returns to pitch, and when Neil closes his eyes, there is no difference in the darkness. There’s a slight comfort in that, in knowing that Andrew is there with him in the dark, and they’re facing the darkness together.

Neil doesn’t even realize when he drifts off to sleep, but he wakes up later feeling sort of nauseous and just not good in general. He sits up, and it’s still pitch black in the room, but that’s okay because he knows how many steps it is to the door. He doesn’t need light to find his way around the bedroom.

“Neil?”

“Just need to use the bathroom,” Neil says, fumbling with his words and blaming his exhaustion. He puts his feet on the floor and stands up.

There’s a quick moment where Neil feels the blood rushing from his head, and he feels his knees shake, but he’s unconscious before he collapses to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said that this is going to be a shorter fic, right? bc it is going to be pretty short


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i said this in the other fic of mine but in case some of you aren't reading both of them: my updates are going to be sporadic from now on. school is terrible and i feel like i'm falling behind, so... yeah

Andrew is on the floor and kneeling beside Neil in an instant, his fingers going immediately to check the pulse in Neil’s neck. It’s there, it’s there, but it’s faint and Neil isn’t responding. “Neil,” Andrew demands, trying to get Neil to wake up. When he doesn’t, Andrew panics, lunging for his phone and sending a quick text off first before he makes a call.

“911, what is your emergency?”

“My…” Andrew kicks himself for hesitating. “My boyfriend just collapsed he’s…”

Andrew loses track of the conversation when there’s a knock on the door and then Nicky sticks his head through. “Hey I brought – what happened? Is he okay?” Nicky’s voice is as panicked as Andrew’s mind. Aaron pushes past Nicky over the threshold, and Andrew stares as his twin takes an assessment of the room. Aaron’s eyes finally meet Andrew’s, and after a long moment of silence, Aaron steps forward.

“Sir?”

“What,” Andrew snaps, his eyes following Aaron as he grabs a pillow from Andrew’s bed and sets it gently under Neil’s head before rearranging his limbs.

“I’ve contacted emergency medical services. I just need a location from you.”

“Palmetto State,” Andrew says, hoping that Neil will just wake up, just open his eyes and be okay. “Fox Tower dorm, room 304.”

“Do you want me to stay on the –”

Andrew hangs up and shifts closer to Neil; he’s fully aware of Nicky leaning against Kevin’s bed, watching everything with quiet fear. He’s even more aware of Aaron checking Neil’s pulse, timing it, feeling for breath.

“What happened?” Aaron demands, feeling around Neil’s skull for any external damage.

“He collapsed,” Andrew says with a tone as blank as he can manage, because if Andrew panics then Nicky is going to panic, and then everyone else will know and start panicking too.

Aaron glances up with an expectation in his eyes, and Andrew has to hold himself back from snarling. “He had a headache that got worse, so we came in here and I closed the blinds and shut off the lights. He fell asleep and woke up with the intention of going to the bathroom. He collapsed as soon as he was standing.”

Aaron frowns, and Andrew doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like being watched while he’s around Neil and both of them are vulnerable. He doesn’t like the way that Neil is here, physically, but he isn’t here mentally.

The ambulance arrives too slowly for Andrew, and he curls his lip at the paramedics that follow Nicky into the room. Andrew lets Aaron oversee the paramedics lifting Neil onto the stretcher, and then Andrew steps up. “I’m riding with you.” There’s no questioning his growled demand, and the paramedics are too concerned with getting Neil to the hospital to argue with Andrew.

Before they leave, Andrew tosses Aaron his keys. “Meet us there. Someone needs to call Wymack. Don’t let Jack or Sheena anywhere near the hospital.” And then Andrew rushes after the paramedics and climbs into the ambulance with them.

Away from the judging eyes of his brother and cousin, Andrew takes Neil’s hand, gently holding it between both of his hands. He presses his lips to Neil’s knuckles.

 _Don’t die,_ Andrew begs, closing his eyes. He doesn’t believe in divine powers, but he hopes all of them are listening. Andrew will raze the world if he loses Neil.

“Just don’t die,” Andrew whispers, the words inaudible against Neil’s limp fingers.

When they finally get to the hospital, Andrew gets out first and jogs with the paramedics into the building. Chaos takes over as the paramedics tell the waiting doctor and nurses what’s going on, what Neil’s vitals are. A nurse puts a hand on Andrew’s arm when Andrew makes to follow where they’re taking Neil, and Andrew jerks back at the contact.

“He’ll be alright,” the nurse reassures. “Just wait here in the lobby. You’ll be updated when we have more information.”

The thought of waiting makes Andrew’s stomach flip sickeningly, but he retreats to a chair and sits, tense, and doesn’t move.

Wymack and the rest of the Foxes arrive a short time later.

“Andrew, what’s going on? What happened to Neil?” Renee is the first to try and get him to talk.

Andrew ignores her, staring straight ahead.

“Andrew what the fuck –”

He shoots a icy glare at Kevin. No one tries to get Andrew to talk after that, and Andrew is happy to return to his silence. He doesn’t want to think right now. He doesn’t want to be here, waiting for Neil, waiting for the doctors. He hates waiting.

And waiting.

And waiting.

An hour passes, and finally a nurse comes out with Neil’s name on her lips. Andrew is the first to his feet and the first to her. “Are you Andrew Minyard?” she asks. When Andrew nods, she smiles, and it’s a tight small smile that makes Andrew’s stomach clench. “Neil has you as his emergency contact.”

Andrew is surprised, but it only shows through in two quick blinks. “Where is he?”

“His condition isn’t improving the way we hoped it would. We did some scans and we’re sure we’ve found the problem. He’s being prepped for surgery as we speak.”

“Surgery?” Matt’s voice is a combination between disbelief and concern, and it makes Andrew flinch. So he wasn’t hearing things then. Neil’s going in for surgery.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a surprise chapter since I've been obsessed with this story again

Andrew paces for an hour, and in the process Abby shows up. Andrew sits for another hour and now it’s pushing one in the morning. The freshmen trickle out of the hospital. Another hour passes, and most of the Foxes leave. After another half hour, Andrew is the only one waiting for Neil.

_Don’t be dead._

It’s the same nurse from before that calls for Andrew. He’s exhausted, but he’s in front of her in an instant. She smiles. “He’s out of surgery and settled into a room. Would you like to see him?”

Andrew nods. _Stupid question_ , he thinks. He’s been waiting for four and a half hours to see Neil, to make sure that he’s okay, that he’s alive.

Neil is unconscious when they reach the room. The nurse says something, but Andrew isn’t listening anymore. He steps inside and shuts the door behind himself, not caring if the nurse was right there or not.

Andrew hasn’t seen Neil in a hospital bed before, and he hopes to never see him in one again.

Neil has never looked so breakable. He’s pale under the lamplight – the overhead fluorescents are off – and there are so many tubes and needles and machines around him and shoved into his body. Andrew stumbles at the sight of the bandage wrapped around Neil’s head. _Surgery_. Andrew forgot to ask what was wrong.

Andrew sucks in a breath and crosses the room to Neil’s bed. He stands frozen, watching Neil’s chest slowly rise and fall. The rest of Neil’s body is perfectly still. Neil isn’t dead, but Andrew doesn’t know if that’s going to last, if there are going to be further complications. Neil survived the night, but is something worse going to happen to him tomorrow?

“I hate you,” Andrew whispers, pulling the chair up to the edge of the bed. “You’re not allowed to leave me.” He knows that Neil can’t hear him, but the words really aren’t for Neil.

Andrew has never heard himself scared before. Not since – well, that was more than a decade ago. He needs to hear himself scared now. He needs to remember what fear tastes like.

There’s a chill in the room, so Andrew pulls the blanket higher over Neil’s chest, his fingers lingering a moment longer than necessary, and then he pulls back and collapses in the chair. He pulls his knees up and hugs them to his chest. He’s supposed to protect Neil, keep him safe. Andrew acknowledges that he rescinded that promise long ago, but he still feels the need to uphold it. Not because it’s a promise, but because he _wants_ to protect Neil. He needs to.

And he failed to do that.

Andrew lifts his head to a knock at the door, and a doctor steps inside the room. “Are you Andrew?” Andrew nods. “Do you mind if I come in?” Andrew eyes the file folder the doctor is holding, but he doesn’t say anything against his presence. The doctor steps into the room, shutting the door behind himself. “I just thought I should fill you in on what’s happening.”

Andrew tenses. _This is it_ , he thinks. _This is when they tell me that Neil can’t be helped, that he’s going to be taken from me._

“We saw from his medical history that he was diagnosed with a concussion late Friday evening, so the first thing we did was prep him for an MRI. There was… a lot of internal bleeding in the occipital lobe and down near the cerebellum. The pressure inside of his skull was extensive, so we rushed him into surgery.”

Andrew’s stomach is in knots. How does this happen? It was just a small concussion. Neil was wearing his helmet when he fell. He hadn’t been hit that hard, had he? Andrew tightens his hands into fists and presses them against his knees.

If the doctor notices, he doesn’t say anything about it. “We’re not sure what the outcome is going to be yet. He has an eighty percent chance of surviving, which are exceptional odds, considering how long the blood has been building. But contusions can often have unforeseen complications.”

Andrew doesn’t ask what those complications could be. He doesn’t want to know. Neil is going to pull out of this just fine. _He’s going to be fine_.

“When will he wake up?” Andrew asks, flicking his eyes to look at Neil before glancing back at the doctor.

The doctor sucks on his lips before looking back down at the file in his hands. “He could wake up in a minute, or he could wake up in a week, or a month, or never. It’s too early to tell.”

Andrew doesn’t flinch at the news that Neil may be like this for a week or more. He just nods and rests his chin on his knees, his attention now fully returned to Neil. He sees in his peripherals the doctor stand, and then the man is gone and the door is shut, and Andrew buries his face in his knees and arms and sucks hard on air to keep himself from crying.


	5. Chapter 5

The first thing Neil hears is the steady beep of a machine to his left, counting off his pulse. Slowly other sounds come to him – air circulating through the room, muffled sounds that must be outside the door, a rustle of clothes as someone to his right moves around.

Neil’s first instinct is panic, and his pulse rises as he momentarily reverts to his mother’s training. _You run. You don’t stop. You don’t look back. You just run._

“Neil?” Andrew’s voice is sleepy and slow, and Neil thinks how stupid it is that his pulse immediately slows at the sound of it.

“Andrew.” Neil’s mouth is dry, but speaking isn’t difficult. He blinks his eyes open, but the room is too dark to make anything out. “What happened?” That’s most important right now, trying to figure out what’s going on, how bad it is, why he’s in the hospital.

Neil can hear Andrew shift again, and suddenly there’s a weight settling onto the bed next to him. “You passed out.” The sleepy sound is gone from Andrew’s voice. “Apparently your ‘small concussion’ was actually a severe contusion. Surgery was needed. You’re fine now.”

Surgery? Neil’s heart skips. “When will I be able to play again?”

A fingernail digs into the hollow of Neil’s throat, and Neil curls his lip and turns his head away. “Shut up, Neil. That is not important right now. You’re lucky to be alive.”

“A promised I wouldn’t die, didn’t I?”

There is a moment of tight silence that follows, and Neil wonders what Andrew is doing, if Andrew is contemplating hitting him or not.

“Turn on a light, would you?”

Another pause. “What?”

“I want to see you. Turn on a light.”

“Neil…”

That isn’t a sound Neil has ever heard Andrew make. Wounded. Regretful. Lost. Neil shakes his head rapidly, his pulse spiking again. “No,” he says, forcefully. “No.”

“All of the lights are on,” Andrew says, his voice hard again, firm, the way Neil is used to it sounding. “Neil, it’s… all of the lights are on.”

Everything turns to white noise as Neil tries to process that. Andrew says that all the lights are on, but Neil can see only blackness. Is he blind? _Is he blind?_ It was only a small concussion, it was just a shove to the floor. His helmet was on.

_How is he blind?_

Neil doesn’t remember sitting up, and he doesn’t remember deciding to rip the IV out of his arm, but suddenly hands are wresting his own, stopping him from doing further damage. His breathing is ragged and rapid. He feels dizzy, and he wonders how that’s possible if he can’t see the world spinning around him.

“Don’t you touch him,” Andrew snarls, and Neil is suddenly tucked against Andrew. Andrew’s hand is tight and heavy on the back of Neil’s neck, and Neil ducks his head to the pressure and tries to breathe for Andrew.

Neil’s hands scrabble for purchase and finally curl and then fist in Andrew’s shirt. He holds on as tight as he can, listening to Andrew’s heart pounding loud in his chest, listening to the scrape of air in and out of Andrew’s lungs.

“Andrew,” Neil whispers, and his voice is strangled.

The hand on the back of his neck tightens, and then Andrew’s voice is right in his ear. “Just breathe. Neil, I need you to breathe for me, okay? Match my breaths.” Against Neil’s ear, Andrew’s lungs fill with air and then slowly release. “Breathe with me, Neil.”

Shaking and still desperate for air, Neil tries to do as Andrew says. He claws at Andrew’s forearms through his armbands and Andrew lets him. He bends over double when he starts coughing, and Andrew leans protectively over him. Neil hears Andrew growl something at someone, but right now he’s just trying to do what Andrew asked. He’s trying to breathe.

Somehow, eventually, Neil manages to find air to pull through to his lungs. He’s matching the depth of Andrew’s breathing, though Neil’s breaths are far less steady. The hand at the back of Neil’s neck slides into his hair, and Neil relaxes enough that Andrew sits back and pulls Neil with him. Andrew’s hands cup Neil’s face, and Neil puts his hands over Andrew’s. The room is quiet except for a screaming machine and the breaths of at least six people.

“I’ll take care of you. Do you hear me? I’m going to take care of you.” Andrew’s voice is firm, the deep-rooted mountain that Neil has come to lean on.

Neil can’t say anything, doesn’t trust himself to say anything, so he just nods. They sit like that long enough that the screaming machine quiets down, and all of the other people – nurses, Neil realizes belatedly – file out. Neither Neil nor Andrew move positions as the time passes. Neil sways and Andrew steadies him. Andrew’s thumb brushes Neil’s burn scars.

“I can’t see you,” Neil whispers. He can still picture Andrew, but only in the impressions Neil has memorized for his drawings – his hazel eyes that are softest when framed by glasses, the curve of his lips, the dusting of freckles over his straight nose, that one small chunk of pale blond hair over his forehead that never goes the direction it’s supposed to go.

“I know,” Andrew says, taking his hands from Neil’s face and setting them instead on his knees. “Take it as a blessing.”

Despite himself, Neil snorts out a laugh, which starts with his shoulders shaking and hunching and his stomach hurting from clenching so hard, and it ends with his hands covering his face as his laughter turns into tears.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this is being updated so slowly. I haven't lost interest in it, though, so don't worry about me dropping it. I'm just distracted and stressed and starting to finally get busy for the summer.

“What?” Andrew snaps, stopping mid-stride to turn back to Neil, who is frozen in the middle of the third floor hallway, just beyond the room the two of them share with Kevin.

It’s been a week since Neil woke up. Eight days since he came out of surgery. Most of the time spent in the hospital was bed rest, but Neil was forced through physical therapy and psychological tests, and yesterday someone came in to teach him how to use a cane. Andrew had only allowed Wymack and Bee into the hospital room; the rest of the Foxes had been banned.

“Don’t make me,” Neil whispers, staring at the door Andrew is nearly in front of. “I don’t want… I can’t see them right now.”

Andrew pauses and tilts his head. He can’t hear anything through the door, so how Neil knows that the rest of the Foxes are crammed into Matt and Nicky and Aaron’s room, Andrew doesn’t know. He walks back to Neil and turns him around, carefully leading him into their room. He lets Neil go once they are past the threshold.

“Good thing you’re so anal retentive,” Neil says, sweeping his cane back and forth in front of him while he ventures further into the room. Andrew throws his keys at Neil’s back. “What the fuck?” Neil exclaims as he jumps, spinning around to look towards Andrew. He’s off by a foot. Andrew’s still getting used to the lack of eye contact.

“Pick them up,” Andrew says, and as he speaks, Neil’s eyes find Andrew’s mouth. “You know where they go.” Neil doesn’t argue or complain, just bends down and finds the keys before walking back towards the door, hand out to feel for the wall. “I’ll be in the bedroom,” Andrew adds.

“Andrew,” Neil says, and it sounds so close to protest that Andrew almost stops. But then Neil says something stupid, says, “Thank you,” and Andrew can’t leave the room fast enough.

He contemplates the bed situation. Andrew doesn’t trust Neil up high anymore, but Andrew sure as hell isn’t going to sleep on the top bunk. He could make Kevin and Neil switch, but then Neil would be all the way across the room, and Andrew doesn’t like the thought of being unable to reach Neil in the dark. They are both too prone to nightmares for that.

“Could just sleep with you,” Neil says from the doorway. “The beds are small but we’ve done it before. Neither of us move in our sleep anyway. I’ll even let you keep the wall.”

“No,” Andrew says, shaking his head as he moves to sit down on his mattress. “I’m not taking that chance.”

“Andrew,” Neil scoffs, rolling his eyes as he steps into the room, finding the bed without the use of the cane. “I’m not –”

“Stop,” Andrew says, cutting Neil off. He waits for Neil to sit and lean against the wall before he continues. “Don’t tell me you’re not going to break when your skull isn’t fully healed yet. Don’t tell me you’re not going to get worse. Don’t say a fucking thing, because you always promise impossible things.”

Neil is silent for a long moment, and Andrew watches shamelessly as Neil stares blankly across the room. “I’m scared,” Neil whispers, and it’s so quiet that Andrew would have missed it if he hadn’t been watching Neil’s lips.

Andrew tugs at Neil’s sleeve and then his hair, and Neil obediently lays down, his head falling onto Andrew’s thigh. Silence envelops them, and Andrew is happy to let it. He listens to Neil breathe, each steady inhale and exhale reminding Andrew of what he almost lost. An hour longer, and Neil may not be here. Andrew can’t wrap his mind around that. Neil is a thorn in his side, but he’s lodged too far in to pull out without it killing Andrew.

“I’m scared too,” Andrew says, and the admittance of weakness burns coming out, stings the back of his eyes. Fear isn’t something he’s felt in a long time, but he is. He’s terrified that he still might lose Neil, either to loss of life or loss of hope. Either way, Neil would be dead, and Andrew knows he couldn’t survive that.

Neil rolls over, wrapping his arms tightly around Andrew’s waist. Andrew stops breathing for a moment when Neil tightens his hold. He’s never seen Neil like this – knocked down so far that he can’t get back up on his own. _You’re not alone_ , Andrew thinks, but he can’t say that, because Neil needs to _know_ it, not hear it.

Andrew slides his fingers through Neil’s hair, holding the red strands in a loose fist. Neil shudders, and Andrew moves his hand to Neil’s neck. _You’re not alone_.

On the mattress next to Andrew’s thigh, his phone buzzes.

“Who is it?” Neil mumbles against Andrew’s hip.

Andrew flips the phone open and rolls his eyes. “Nicky’s wondering if we got lost. What should I tell him?”

Neil seems to contemplate a moment, his thumb brushing slowly over the small of Andrew’s back, which makes Andrew shiver.

“Tell him,” Neil says, sitting up slowly, hands braced on the mattress to keep his balance. “Tell him that we’re going to be lost until breakfast tomorrow.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not a very good chapter at all, but it's something for you guys because I always feel bad when I don't post for a while

It’s awkward. Matt and Nicky try their damnedest to make it as not-awkward as possible, and that just makes it more awkward.

Neil shifts in his seat and rests his chin in his hand. He knows that all of the Foxes are in the room – he can hear each of them breathing. His original Foxes are settled closer to him and then there are the six new freshman further away. He can feel the divide down the room. Maybe Andrew’s close proximity to Neil is frightening the freshman to the far end of the room. Maybe it’s just… awkward. Their co-captain is blind now. Last year’s most-improved freshman is blind. The son of a mobster and the survivor of so much shit is blind. It’s pretty evident that no one knows how to deal with that.

Neil stops Nicky’s rambling by holding up his hand and turning to look towards him. Neil can’t see Nicky, but his eyes find where Nicky’s mouth seems to be, and he focuses on that. The room goes so silent that all Neil hears is breathing, and it’s so individually _distinct_ that it feels unnatural. He presses his knee harder into Andrew’s, and Andrew presses back. Neil takes his eyes away from Nicky and looks back to where he remembers the window being.

“I’m blind,” he says, because he doesn’t know how else to start and because everyone else is dancing around the subject. “The doctors don’t think I’m ever going to get my vision back. They said that being blind in both eyes after a head injury is rare as hell, and that it usually means it’s severe. So I’m blind, and I’m probably going to continue to be that way.”

A breath.

Two.

Andrew’s knee becomes Andrew’s thigh as he shifts closer to Neil, and Neil relaxes at the familiar pressure. “I can’t play anymore.” The words hurt coming out, and they don’t want to leave his tongue, clawing at the inside of his throat as he forces them from his mouth. “I can’t play anymore, but I’m not going to disappear. I want to stick around for as long as you’ll have me.”

Someone – Dan? Neil can’t remember where everyone sat – draws a breath as if to speak, but Neil holds up his hand again to cut her off. “But for the love of fucking hell, stop trying to pretend that everything’s fine. It’s not. Nothing’s fine. I wagered my life on eighty percent of a professional salary that I’m not longer going to be able to achieve. I can’t see anything, no matter how badly I want to. I hardly remember what,” Neil’s voice breaks, and he falters, but he pushes forward, “what any of you look like.” He swallows, drags a hand over his face. Part of him wishes that he had put on the aviators Andrew had gifted him, but he doesn’t want to hide, not around his family.

Kevin, who has been silent all morning, makes a noise. Neil glances his way and arches an eyebrow. Kevin doesn’t say anything or make any other noises, so Neil closes his eyes and readjusts his position on the sofa. He leans back into the cushion and rests his head. His hands are limp on his lap. Andrew is a steady, quiet presence to his left, warm thigh pressed against the length of Neil’s own. Once more, Andrew is the rock that Neil uses as his foundation. Everything starts with Andrew, and then Neil can work his way up from there.

“What would you like from us, Neil?” Renee asks. Her voice sounds even sweeter when Neil can’t see her, but there’s an edge to it now that suggests she knows his answer.

“Win the fucking trophy for me,” Neil replies, and though he can’t see him, Neil knows that Andrew is rolling his eyes. Kevin has probably gone pale or green or both.

Neil misses his eyes. When he woke up this morning, he had walked around the suite without his cane, and it had been nice to not see his reflection in the mirror, but that was the only nice thing. Neil couldn’t see his father in the mirror, but he also couldn’t see to shave – Andrew had done that for him – and he couldn’t see to make breakfast, which Andrew had also done for him. Neil hadn’t been able to pick out his clothes, or watch the television, or do fucking anything. He’d been stuck in his panic attack for nearly thirty minutes, curled up as small as he could make himself.

Last night, Andrew had told Neil that he was scared too. Neil thinks he’s figured out that Andrew isn’t afraid of Ichirou or anything so physical, but that Andrew is instead afraid for Neil, and for how Neil is going to handle this new development. This new setback.

“What can we do right now?” Allison is the only one so far – out of those who have spoken this morning – who doesn’t sound at all different. But then, Neil hadn’t expected her to. Allison survived Seth’s murder with a strong set to her shoulders and enough concealer to hide her puffy eyes from the vicious world.

Neil looks to Nicky instead of Allison when he says, “Stop saying ‘oops’ every time you mention seeing or looking at something.”

“Sorry,” Nicky apologizes, and Neil can hear the flinch in his voice.

Neil’s phone buzzes in his pocket, distracting him while Allison picks up a conversation with the girls – both the seniors and the two new female freshman – about going shopping. Neil hands the phone to Andrew.

There’s a moment’s pause, and then Andrew leans closer. “It’s your uncle. He wants to call you,” Andrew explains, his voice low enough to keep the conversation between them. “You okay with that?”

“Need a smoke break anyway,” Neil says, bracing his hand on Andrew’s knee as he pushes to his feet. He listens to Andrew stand, and then reaches over and waits for Andrew to take Neil’s hand and tuck it into Andrew’s arm. Neil had purposefully left his cane beside the bed this morning. “We’ll be back later,” Neil says to the gathered Foxes, and Andrew leads him from the room.


End file.
